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| I know it took a while, but I just moved half-way across the country.
If you enjoy this post, you can comment, it doesn't matter. I did this for me :)
 I need to hear you say that, "I love you, I have loved you all along. And I forgive you for being away for far too long." So keep breathing cause I'm not leaving you anymore 
There is a dim light that shines from the opposite side of the lake. A haze over water, that something I can't quite attain. There is a canvas whose blankness is screaming, keeps me awake; I am wrong, I am flawed, but I am saved. 
I know there will be risks, but I want to face them with you. It's wrong that we should only be half alive, half of ourselves, I love you. So here I am, standing in your doorway. I've always been standing in your doorway. 
Tonight you stooped to my level, I am your mangy little whore. You are trying to find your underwear, and then your socks, and then the door. You're trying to find a reason why you have to leave. 
It only took a minute for us to finally end it. I guess we'd seen it coming for some time. And it only took one hour to sit and talk it over but it took us all night long to say goodbye. 
Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom and hurting the only ones you love, to realize what you have become is not what you planned, and who you are is not who you like. 
Yes, this is love for the first time. Well you'd like to think that you were invincible. Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time? Well this is the last time 
I've been looking for a way out, something that isn't so cruel. Well I'm a little tired, you see, complacent and miserable. I think you're missing out, I think you're dumbing it down. You're past the point of holding up to your words, there's no getting it by us now. 
I keep feeling that people are becoming less human and more animalistic. They seem to think less and feel less so that everyone is operating on a very primitive level. I wonder what you and I will see in our lifetimes. It seems so hopeless yet we must keep on trying... I guess we can't escape being a product of the times, can we? 
Now I've read some books and I've grown quite brave. If I could just speak up, I think I'd say that there is no truth. There is only you and what you make the truth. So I'll just sing my songs and I'll pass a hat. Then I'll leave your town and I'll never look back. No, I don't look back because the road is clear and laid out ahead of me. Now I'll get home, I'll meet my friends at our favorite bar. We'll get some lighter heads for our heavy hearts. And we'll share a drink. Yeah we'll share our fears and they will know how I love them. They will know how I love them 
You've been assigned an identity since birth. Then you spend the rest of your life walking around in it to see if it really fits. You try on all these different selves and abandon just as many. But really it's about dismantling all that false armor, getting down to what's real. 
We're all strangers connected by what we reveal, what we share, what we take away - our stories. I guess that's what I love about books - they are thin strands of humanity that tether us to one another for a small bit of time, that make us feel less alone or even more comfortable with our aloneness, if need be. 
And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain - the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head - but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it 
Before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times. Once, you must fall in love with your bestfriend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. Once you must fall in love with someone you believe is perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as anything less than you deserve. And once, you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be. And when you're through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that needed you the most. But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved 
You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter 
We cling to music, to poems, to quotes, to writing, to art, because we desperately want to feel together. We want to know that we are not going crazy and that somewhere else out there, someone is feeling exactly what you are feeling. We love everything that is tied up neatly, easily, and simply but when we can not find that, it scares the hell out of us, to not know the next step, or where things are headed. Being unsure is never part of our plan. But it's those moments, the ones where you risk it and take a chance regardless of how vulnerable it makes us, that help us remember that life is larger than we'll ever know 
Chances are I'll never get a moment like this again, so here's everything I ever wanted to tell you. No one has ever gotten me like you; I've never found anyone who makes me laugh like you. You're the one person who I can honestly see myself happy with; the definition of love to me is you. 
I make mistakes. That’s what I do. I speak without thinking.I act without knowing. I drink so much that I can barely walk. I’m a fantastic lover though, and an amazing friend. God knows I mean well 
I miss you. I miss spending time with you, and I miss last year no matter how many regrets I had, because it was worth it because I got to have you back in my life, and you have no idea how much that means to me. It's hard to accept how important you are to me, I thought I knew, but I don't know how I would have gotten through all this shit without you there to just make me smile. Just thank you for doing that. 
Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past,
stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely
how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want,
and just see what happens 
It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that the people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so you keep the memories, but you find yourself moving on. 
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| I might come back to this site.
It's been a few years now. Wow.
I started this so long ago in my life.
I'm a different person now. Should I dive back into my past? Feedback decides. Do you want the calamity back? | | |
| i shouldn't need to wish that i am all i am not; i shouldn't need to always offer you my thoughts, but i do. and i've opened myself up to the wrong and felt that pain, and i've opened myself all up to you and felt the same. please don't explain, just let me continue dreaming. you understand what hurts me, but i was the one who made that known. and now it seems my time is over and i need some time alone, and i've opened myself up to the wrong and felt that pain. 
i tried to come down from you, i tried with your voice in my head knocking me back every inch i moved. i'm a sucker for a good lie, the way you say you understand and how you always talk of catching me but never open up your hand. 
i'm ready to embrace this, i'm ready for repair. i've got so many layers left by amateur painters who covered
over what was there. i stuffed myself sick on your memory and the beautiful mess we'd made, but i'm so tired of being inspired only when things slip away. they told me time would strip it all free and leave me bone
dry, they told me time would strip it all free but i'm no better than when i left here the first time, i'm ready to erase this, i'm ready to begin. spent myself trying to change all the beauty we d made just to want it all back again. and with the clouds moving in, this hardly looks like the same moon, and with the leaves all gone the trees that once stood strong now look pinched and cruel. 
my idols are cracking and breaking apart, piece by piece. i brush their dust off my pedestal and through the cloud i've kicked up i can just make out your face. in a world of plastic people, i know you're real. 
hold me, and save me from my self. i claim to be so righteous, but i'm just like everyone else. i was judging you,
and i realized just how big a lie i lead,yeah, hold me. 
i am held together by clothes pins and tension, a wealth of odds and ends. i'm dazzling, so dazzling like the neon street sign, hiccuping off and on again all night long. 
you're so sorry about it all now that it's over, should i thank you for that dear? you're so sorry about it all, and i hope you'll always be. cause i remember you best hating all the boys who got to you, and all the things they took that you'd kept for yourself. every car crash, every misstep, every word. 
how ironic it all seems because i remember you telling me about other lovers running out of words to say to each other and how beautiful you thought it was and i agreed that would never happen to you and me. so here we sit in silence, searching our heads for common ground. we've rehashed the past and beaten it down, left us with nothing- no present, no future. 
i still read your letter and all that evil makes me sick, but this is regimented pain and it gives me the illusion
that i have lived. i was the one that pushed you off the pedestal i put you on and with my arms still outstretched i watched you fall and break apart like glass on the highway. i realized my mistake a bit too late because i'd never risk picking up the pieces, jesus look at them all. i'd never risk picking up all those goddamn pieces because i lose control at the sight of my own blood. 
am i pretty enough for you now that my ribs show through? with a little makeup i can look brand new, but can i be pretty enough for you? fill me with secrets and i'll never tell, fatten me up, and i'll feed you well. you can polish me perfectly and i'll shine pristine, but not even a cherub is this clean. am i all that you d hoped that i would be, hanging on obediently to the words that i'm finding so hard to believe? am i all that you hoped that i would be? why don't you just stop me if i'm sounding ungrateful. why don't you stop me if i'm coming on a bit too strong. 
i miss the sound of your voice, i miss the rush of your skin, i miss the still of the silence as you breathe out and i breathe in. 
thought that I was moving forward. I almost convinced myself I wanted things another way. A fucked up coping process for being let down. Sometimes it's easier to move on than start again. We all know what we should be doing, but it gets hard. When I retrace my steps, it's really no surprise. We never should have been in that place from the start. We pay for every mistake, I'm paying for it by being back on the floor. 
I am bored to death, I'm just so bored of the human race
I'm so bored with life, and it don't matter what I say.
I'm so sick of school, just so sick of that golden rule
I'm so sick of you and I'm getting real sick of me 
And it's only when I'm angry that I feel complete, when we are screaming at each other is when I am most happy. I hang out with my friends and then I get depressed and I drink myself to sleep with any strength that is left. And I quit going to church a year ago and my teachers think that my faith is gone. 
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion of self conclusion in one simplified motion. See, the trick is that you are never supposed to act on it, no matter how unbearable the misery gets. 
There are worse ways for a guy to spend his time than to sit and think of you. I think I'd marry you. Just your smile leaves me satisfied, though you're not mine. So for the rest of my life, I'm gonna search for someone just like you. 
We cheerfully assume that in some mystic way love conquers all, all that good outweighs evil in the just balances of the universe and that at the eleventh hour, something gloriously triumphant will prevent the worst before it happens. 
"The worst drugs are as bad as anybody's told you. It's just a dumb trip, which I can't condemn people if they get into it, because one gets into it for one's own personal, social, emotional reasons. It's something to be avoided if one can help it." 
I have to face the truth, that no one could ever look at me like you do, like I'm something worth holding onto. There's times I think of leaving, but it's something I'll never do. Because you can do better than me, but I can't do better than you. 
She asked him, what kind of wedding would you want? He replied, the one that would make you my wife.
 Most people would think that this was the time to give up. To lie it all down and pretend like it never happened. But somewhere along the line you’re going to remember. And in that very moment, you’ll sit down and you’ll smile. Because knowing that you had it sure beats the hell out of wishing that you did.
 The world is a looking-glass, and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face. Frown at it, and it will in turn look sourly upon you; laugh at it and with it, and it is a jolly kind companion; and so let all young persons take their choice.
I always knew that the perfect guy was out there. I've known since
I was a kid and Barbie married Ken. Ken might pretend to like Barbie's
best friend to make Barbie jealous, and Barbie might move to Portugal
just to see if Ken would follow her, but in the end, they were always
together and everything was forgiven. The thing is, the game always
ended after Barbie and Ken got together, so I never really knew what
would happen once I met the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life
with. I figured I'd want the rest of my life to start right away, but I also
kind of thought it would be like living in one of those invisible boxes
mimes always pretend to be trapped in. People can see you and know
some kind of force field surrounds you, but they can't tap into it or break
it. Our love would be our mime box.
inside the snow globe on my father's desk, there was a penguin
wearing a red-and-white-striped scarf. when i was little my father
would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. he would
turn it over, letting all the snow collect on the top, then quickly invert
it. the two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin.
the penguin was alone in there, i thought, and i worried for him.
when i told my father this, he said, "don't worry, susie; he has a
nice life. he's trapped inside a perfect world.'
-the lovely bones 
You've got a problem, I think you know. I'll tell you mine before you go.
You've been thinking about somebody new, that's not the issue. Secrets,
I have some too. I'll tell you mine before I say goodbye to you. I've been
thinking about leaving too, that's not the issue. I'm leaving, I'm leaving now.
I'd say goodbye but I don't know how. You've been sleeping with somebody
new. that's not the issue. 
I'm not trying to knock you, I just know you need your rest,
I can't say what's best for you. You've been working hard
and I know you're tired. I've been trying so hard not to feel
like a liar. 
And everybody knows the way I walk and knows the way I talk
and knows the way I feel about you. It's all a bunch of shit and
there's nothing to do around here. It's totally fucked up, I'm totally
fucked up. Wish you were here. 
He lives with his mother but we show him respect. He's a dangerous
bigot, but we always forget. And he's just like his daddy because he
cheats on his friends and he steals and he bullies anyway that he can.
i was fine, i was alone and i was strong. now you're here and
i'm so weird, it must be love. now i don't have any protection in
case you go. oh, i need a suit of armor for my soul.
I want a new drug, one that won't make me sick, one that won't
make me crash my car or make me feel three feet thick. I want
a new drug, one that won't hurt my head, one that won't make my
mouth too dry or make my eyes too red. One that won't make me
nervous, wonderin' what to do, one that makes me feel like I feel
when I'm with you, when I'm alone with you. 
Maybe it's intuition, but some things you just don't question.
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant and there it
goes. I think I've found my best friend. I know that it might
sound more than a little crazy, but I believe. 
She wanted something else, something different, something
more. Passion and romance, perhaps. Or maybe a quiet, heart
felt conversation into the wee hours of the night or perhaps,
something as simple as not being second. 
I don't know why I waste my time getting hung up about the things
you say, when I open my eyes it's a lovely day. You know sometimes
I feel like I'm getting snowed under with the things you say, when
I open my eye and it's a lovely day. | | |
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I realize now that it was never me you wanted, just a relationship, someone to be there, some security. And there I was. It seemed perfect to you. At times, it even seemed perfect to me. But after being lied to so many times I've gotten to the point where nothing matters anymore. So go ahead and say it's easy to walk away, because I don't believe it for a second. You will never find any one like me. Trust me, I'm not that easy to get over.
"It was like the last time and the first time rolled into one. We screamed and scratched and loved each other like it was the last chance we ever would. Like we would never let go. We explored every inch of each other and marked it as our own. We whispered of how we loved each other, how we would be together. We fell asleep in each other's arms, an intricate mess of limbs. Time was nothing. We were only seventeen and we had what some people never find at all. Love. The kind of love that makes you reach out for each other as you sleep. The kind of love that runs hot and cold because everyday you see that person in a new way. It's the kind of love that you know will hurt you in the end but you still want it. Because what's better than love?"
"You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you. And dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine. And done things I prefer you didn't. Don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred-plus years. And there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You. Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you. Or because I can't have you. It has nothin' to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness, and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand, with perfect clarity, exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one."
There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.
"If this continues, you will be dead. And I'm not talking about the 'Oh, my God, if I don't get invited to the prom, I'm going to die' type of dead, I'm talking *dead*, dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if it's not, I could of course text you on my Blackberry or my Blueberry or my Chuck Berry... although technically Chuck Berry is a blackberry... the point is, you gotta stop wasting everyone's time and grow up. Is that clear to you, sweetheart?"
First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollipops, and lets face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because, you see, I am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outta here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.
You got lost for a while. You've been trying to find a smile. You got stood up, then you fell down, and when you needed, there was no one around. You loved the previews and hate the movie. You scream at the screen, "Something move me," before you start to fade away.
Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."
"But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too."
"Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality...well, he could have done a much, much worse job."
"And bam! The shine's off the apple. And that's when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa-whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time; but, honest to God, that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so that, by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more - her or me? I used to sit around and wonder... why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here, it turns out, the answer's pretty simple: They weren't unhappy. We were."
"It's time. Sit down and listen up, Newbie. I suppose you want me to say you're great--that you've raised the bar for interns everywhere? Well, I'm not going to say that. You're doing okay. Someday you might even be better than that. But right now, all I see is a guy who's so preoccupied with wondering what everyone else thinks about him, that he doesn't have anytime to think whether or not he believes in himself. Did you ever wonder why I told you to write your own evaluation? I wanted you to think about yourself, and I mean really think! What are you good at? What do you suck at? And write it down. Not so I could read it, or anyone else could read it. But so you could read it! You see in the end, Newbie, you don't have to answer to me, or to Kelso, or even to your patients, for God's sake! The only one you have to answer to, Newbie, is you! There, you are evaluated. Now get out of here, because you truly make me so damn mad I might just hurt myself!"
Hope was a pathological part of puberty, like acne and surging hormones. You might sound cynical to the world, but that was just a defense mechanism, cover-up coating a zit, because it was too embarrassing to admit that in spite of the bum deals you kept getting, you hadn't completely given up.
There comes a point where you miss someone so much that you can hear their voice echo in your head.
And you can hear the names that they used to call you, the words they used to tell you.
You memorized their laugh, their smile, and their silly ways.
You can also feel their arms around you and you don't want to let go even though you know it's just an illusion. Everytime your phone rings, you smile because it's them that's calling.
Everytime you hear their name, your heart beats 100 times faster and sometimes, you can't even breathe.
You knew that looking back on the tears would make you laugh,
but you never knew that looking back on the laughs would also make you cry.
All you want is to go back in time. not to the time that you first met,
to the time that you were known as nothing, but strangers.
But no matter what, you're in denial. You hide your feeling so no one would know.
You put on a fake smile and don't let a single tear break through.
You're so used to hiding your feelings that you don't even realize the pain you're causing for yourself.
Your thoughts become invisible. It's still there, but no one knows.
Like a love letter you didn't show.
And you're hurting no one but yourself.
I think you’re one of those people who everyone falls in love with, even for a tiny bit. I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.
For many years I walked that road, for many years I tried, so earnestly I sought the relationship advertised but my empty hands, my empty heart, could no longer be denied. Yeah I quit, I forfeit eternal life.
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